So that’s it
9 months of planning
The upheavel of Amber’s life to help us.
All the hoping the dreaming, the eating healthy, the vitamins, the trips to London, the days off work, the tests…
Well I started off seeing it that way as the pregnancy tests remained white with that one lonely line. In some ways I guess I’ve every right to feel angry and to see it as all for nothing…
But I’ve been here before. More than once. I’d be doing a disservice to the last year. To all the amazing moments I’ve experienced through this last cycle.
The year I made a friend who gave me one of the greatest gifts a person ever could. Amber donating us her eggs. A friend I hope I’ll have for life. The year we made two embryos, one of which hasn’t made it, but one of which is still in the freezer and maybe has a chance.
The year we made a series that got other women calling clinics offering to donate their eggs. Sure we didn’t add to our family quite yet, but out of this, other people just might be. Isn’t that magical? And so worth this heart ache we feel to end someone else’s?
The year we found a medical team we trust. Sure it hasn’t worked this time but I don’t blame them for that. IVF isn’t an exact science. It is sadly a case of trial and error so often. I’ve felt so supportive to have nurses at the end of a text (the kindest, most dedicated ones too) and a consultant who really does seem to care. And I don’t trust easily after our horrendous experience with Prague!
I’m a little scared of the next few months and I’ll admit I’ve cried buckets. I’ve screamed into a pillow glad I had the house to myself. I’ve been unable to answer the door to the postman because I knew he heard me. I’m overwhelmed with the lists of tests out there that may help us find the answer to what I guess we are now termed under
“Repeated implantation failure”
But also overwhelmed we could pay thousands for them, and more for treatments, only to find they make no difference.
Or they could.
Anyone found that crystal ball yet? I’m still looking.
So what next? I’ve a long list of tests and treatments to discuss with my consultant on Thursday (thank you everyone for your suggestions. I have had one test for NK cells which was negative though this might need retesting and we did have PGS testing but we haven’t had the rest of the immunology assay. We haven’t had the relatively new ERA test either).
I’ve emailed a counselor to helped me navigate this a little more clearly.
I was offered time off work but chosen to carry on. I’m really lucky to have the bosses do. But IVF affects so much of life that I’ll be damed if it’s putting any more pressure than needed on my career. Plus today was the first time I’ve had serious training in video editing. Little me who learnt from YouTube and late nights practising, in a room full of professional editors on the advanced course holding my own. If you’d told me that a year a go I’d have said there’s more chance of Megan Markle asking me to be her bridesmaid. And though I wondered if I’d made the right choice on the train this morning when I thought I was going to cry, writing this now on the train home I’m so glad I went. F*CK you infertility. You’ve taken a sh*tload of our money and a good deal of our sanity some days, but I’ll fight you for anything else.
Also funny story I got chatted up in a cafe in London. A rare thing nowadays. And I was laughing in my head because my brain said to me “if only he knew what a complicated mess your husband has to deal with!”
And its date night tomorrow (with my husband, not the random bearded guy above). Because right now all I want to do is have some fun with my husband. We stick by each other through anything and rarely get to be carefree just the two of us. Not without something weighing us down a little that needs discussing. I’m excited to get a little tipsy with him. For a night of fertility talk being banned. To just be us.
Because you know what infertility monster. You might affect our lives. Make us cry. Push us down different paths. Maybe take away our plan to buy a house this year. But you will never control us. Never take what we have together.
You ain’t winning